An Atheist and a Christian sit down at a bar. They both knock back a few drinks and enjoy each others company because they aren’t pretentious assholes.
people who say all water tastes the same are full of shit.
my favourite sex position is 9
curled up in my bed
In grade 8 I really hated this girl so I collected the sugar from my pack of sour patch kids and gave it to her saying its cocaine and she actually snorted it and at recess she pretended she was high and she was called crack whore for the rest of the year. Now she does real crack and blames me saying I got her addicted. She still doesnt know it was just sugar
recess in 8th grade?
TODAY MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER BURNED A DOLLAR IN FRONT OF US BUT HE FORGOT TO TELL US THAT THE DOLLAR WOULDNT BURN ONLY THE ALCOHOL WOULD SO HE TOOK OUT A 100 DOLLAR BILL AND SOAKED IT IN ALCOHOL AND WERE LIKE “WHAT ARE YOU DOING” AND HE CAUGHT IT ON FIRE AND WE ALL YELLED AT HIM BUT THEN IT WENT OUT AND THE BILL WAS FINE AND WE WERE SILENT FOR 20 MINUTES
i wanna try this at home now
MY MOM JUST GOT OUT HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND FOUND OUT SHES BEEN SPELLING HER NAME WRONG FOR 49 YEARS
I just finished filming that makeup tutorial.
i am scared to even watch it. i messed up a lot.
time to edit.
because it’s not that wonderful.
Is this Andrew or someone.
Omfg I was sitting in a room with a bunch of my aunts, uncles and cousins and my grandma had this weird smile on her face so I asked her what was up and she just looked at me and said “everyone in this house is alive thanks to my vagina”
stuff you ask your mom:
- mom where’s my towel
- mom what do we eat for dinner
- mom what’s time is it
- mom where’s my phone
- mom when do you come back
- mom whats day is it
stuff you ask your dad
- dad where is mom
- morning: no
- afternoon: no
- evening: no
one of my main nicknames courtesy of my family is “emmy” and my uncle was like “what if you marry a guy named anthony whose nickname is tony then you’d be emmy and tony”
and then “what if his last name was award”
and then my cousin put in “if you have a son you could name him oscar”
emmy, tony, and oscar award
oh my god
lol - laughing out loud
yrmoccfsr - you remind me of cottage cheese for some reason
dytkdwbmiisidlsoat - do you think Kirsten Dunst would be mad if I said I didn’t like Spiderman One and Two?